Stopped Digging Deeper

I started with the acceptance that I and I alone put myself in that in that pit. 

Someone did not push me. I did not have other people to blame. 

So I started with, 

Okay, I’ll own this. Now what?

I didn’t quite understand what it meant, to own my sense of unlovability and inability to love. 

But that was MY starting point.

I also had the belief, 

There is a way out. 

Not just conceptually, but a real way out. 

Of course, I would discover that the way out would mean three things: 

  • Going deeper.
  • Going slower.
  • Feeling it all.

For as long as I could remember, 

“Being loved, feeling its depth, was a dangerous, visceral threat to my survival.”

Every time I got close to sensing or feeling that emotional truth, I would either explode with anger, just shut down and withdraw, or just make nice and hide in plain sight.