Stopped Digging Deeper
I started with the acceptance that I and I alone put myself in that in that pit.
Someone did not push me. I did not have other people to blame.
So I started with,
Okay, I’ll own this. Now what?
I didn’t quite understand what it meant, to own my sense of unlovability and inability to love.
But that was MY starting point.
I also had the belief,
There is a way out.
Not just conceptually, but a real way out.
Of course, I would discover that the way out would mean three things:
- Going deeper.
- Going slower.
- Feeling it all.
For as long as I could remember,
“Being loved, feeling its depth, was a dangerous, visceral threat to my survival.”
Every time I got close to sensing or feeling that emotional truth, I would either explode with anger, just shut down and withdraw, or just make nice and hide in plain sight.